The Life Of A Punk/Stoner/Goth/Loner

wow…. been a long time since i put anything on here. guess thats what you get when you dont have the internet….

well whats happened since last time i put something here…. hmm… shit it was when i moved into my new place… well thats going good. me and brend3n had the place to our selves for a few months. hard on the money.

then my mate Alic3 moved in from s3a lak3 and a couple of days after that a guy she shagged from a party moved in. jam3s. so yeah its been going pretty good. jam3s is a little anal with the place being clean and every second conversation he has is about how he wants to fix up the house…. and he doesnt really respect privacy much. like he will go into my room and do stuff while im going which pisses me off

i have a girlfriend now. i was shagging around alot before i went out with her. hit like 10 people while i was hittin her. but we went going out so my concious is clear. but i always came back to her in the end so i asked her out on new years nite a little while before the count down. done my very best not to do anything bad…

worst ive done is one nite while i was on x i hooked up with tahli, a goth girl that i know, but that wasnt really worth mentioning because its was just because i was pinging off my head… wasnt anything behind it. lol i cant even remember why it happened.

still waiting to join the army but i have to wait for da drugs to get out of my system… its hard because i get a good run without them… 3, 4 weeks then i get drunk or something and forget and smoke pot… then wake up and im like DAMN have to start again.

man my hair is gettin long. its kinda pissing me off because it curls… so im hoping that when it gets a little longer it will weigh its self straight…

i think i finally came to a personnal realisation…. this girl that i use to love… one that i missed for years. i use to get sad and lonely and depressed because i missed her.

i use to wish we were still together….

use to wish we could get back together….

but then i realised something.

i wasnt any longer in love with HER but the idea of her.

the time i was with her was just an all around good time.

i was 16, lived with my parents and even though they pissed me off i have free food and shelter. i had a great mate. i was gettin constant sex going out each weekend gettin pissed and stoned and didnt have to worry about it. i had no responisiblitlys no commitments nothing.

i was just partying and having fun.

and she represents that time in my life. she was there for all of it and she is who i assosiate it with.

but now time has changed. life moves on. hell if we were even to get together now nothing would be the same. she would have grown up moved no changed as have i. our ideals wouild be different to back then. out thoughts, our idea of fun…. our selves…

so i leave it as it is. i dont try any more. its like a time captusul. as long as i dont really sere her any more i still have that time in my head.

i still have that fun over again.

if i was to see her again and everything was different it would distroy my image…

and then what would i have??

I had some trouble recently….. But you dont care

I had to move out of my last house because my housemate because a prick… Had to get my sister to come down early and help me move. He really got me freaked, threatened to thow all my stuff out on the lawn and that he wanted more money for rent and all this other shit… now we call him psyco simon…

My new place is really good. Its with a mate from work.. Really like it there. Since we havent filled all the house mates in the house its only me inside which rocks…

I have my manson concert next week.. Hardly wait. But im going to have to get some more clothes.

 This sucks… Im on a public computer so i only have a certain amount of time. Just had to log off and log back on on the computer next to me. Stupid time limit.

Found out that She had a blog page and read it today. Didnt realised how much of a impact I have on her life. From talking to her i had the feeling that I wqas just someone that she talked to when she had no one else to talk to.

But her blog page makes it oput to be that Im one of her top friends…. Hope thats not true…

…..

She deserves better then that….

My time is almost up…. But you dont care…

I set a goal for my self.. Im joining the army at the end of the year as you all know. But to do so I have to pass the govenments drug test. Since I dont do drugs, but I smoke weed I have to take some time to pass it.

The longest it takes for weed to get out of your system is 90 days, or 3 months. Thats a worst case as well. I odnt smoke that much. But because this is what I want to do I dont want to fail this test so I am giving myself 4 months to clear up.

The 4 months starts at the end of this week.

Weed is a very good friend of mine. It helped me through some hard times. It was there for a few good partys as well….

I havent writen on here in ages…… But you dont care….

I just have been to busy with doing nothing to write here. I really havent done a whole lot since my last post….

I must say thanks to whoever wrote the one word comment for this blog, which reminded me that I had to write….

I watched “Root Of All Evil?” today. Its a doco about god vs rational thinking. Asking if we would be better off without religion, and if religion even has a place in this day and age.

My answer is no. Every war that you can remember was fought, at least in some part, over religion. Someone thinking what they believe is right and that everone else should believe it too, no matter what.

Its bullshit.

Look at the evidence. Evolution, carbon dating, fossials etc etc. There is just so much that stacks up against religion. Like according to the Bible, the world was created about when man was going through the agracultural revolution.

The world has been around for more then 10,000 years. Its 4.6 billion. Accept it.

That said, I do believe that religion once had a part in sociaty.

In the last 2,000 years we have, socially, educationally, scientifically, medically and in just about every other way.

Around the time that the religion was “created”, there were laws, but loose ones. People would do things that werent right.

“People, if they can do something benifical for them selves, and there is no reprocusion, will generally do it.”

The religion, when we were in a more primitative state, gave us rules and a reason, a scary reason, to follow them.

Hell

People were told if they were good they would go to Heaven and if they were bad they would go to Hell. Before this people could steal, kill or adulterate etc etc, and get away with it realitivly easy.

“God” gave them something universal to be afraid of. Some one who was always watching….

But we have evolved past this.

We need to leave behind this foolish “faith” that causes conflict the world over.

Mainstream ”religions” are fundimentaly the same.

Cant you fools see that?

This page may soon disapear… But you dont care…

No one does. No one will.

But it will be for the good of the nation.

The individual is being asimilated, and put through the meat grinder to come out a productive menber of a sociaty without faces. Just a see of bodys all following the one word.

Im not sure what word that is… money, greed…. oil.

That is your final clue. Did you figure out what I have become? What I will be?

Defence force.

And the silence was a dull roar…

But it has always been that way.

No one cares

No one minds

No ones there at all……

Time runs fast…. But you dont care….

It seems like it was only yesterday that I was just fucking around and had nothing much to worry about. I remember that I would always think “Man I wish I was older”, “I wish I was out of home” and all that crap. And now that Ive done it, it doesnt feel that fun.

When I was younger I could go out and get hammered on a Friday night and come home, wake up and go out again with no worries. Now I cant do that because I have to wake up and clean, do the dishes, shop or some shit.

If I went out on the weekend I could blow a hundred bucks easy. Slab of grog, bottle of whisky and a couple of grams of weed. And if I ran out money I didnt really worry. I could just go back home and get more if I really needed it. If my olds wouldnt give it to me, I could still hang out and bum drinks. Now I cant spend that much because its bills money, or its food money or its travel money or some shit like that. And if I run out I wouldnt be able to pay the rent or something.

A lot of the time I spend at home because I dont have the money to go out.

You may hate me… But I dont care….

Someone left a comment on my page. And it said, “Put up some photos”. Obviously there are a few things wrong with this person. For starters its plainly obvious that this pages isnt that type to be dedicated to photos. Infact I made it a point not to put pictures on her. I only have the one for my profile, and thats because if I didnt it would be a stupid cutout looking picture.

Second. This person is meant to hate me. And for someone that is meant to hat me they spend a lot of time crusing the net and looking at the various posts and picture that I have up on many differnt sites. Myspace, my blog and a few others. Now this person has managed to find them all.

But this person is meant to hate me…

Strange isnt it?

Anyway i triedto get rid of them. I got bored one nite so I started and argument just for fun. Wasnt to bad either. Lasted a few hours and burned time till I went to the pub.

Was good.

I do, but there isnt any one…. But you dont care….

I dont even know what i want to talk about. But sometimes I just really want to talk…

There seems that i have a spike in views on Sundays. I wonder what happens on Sunday…

I saw one of my ex’s today. She didnt see me. But I saw her on the street. Its strange because I dont even really remember what she looks like.

I wonder if I want her back. Sometimes I feel like I do, but then I think that its probably just that we broke up and I’m still not over it in some way…

But then I think. This is no where near as strong as the feels I still have for someone else. I think that it must mean something after all this time if you still think about them And not just the “she’s an ex” kinda think. Like just randomly I will think of her and what we did together. I still smile at a lot

I dont smile much tho…

I think i will have a look back over my life…. But you dont care…

Noone does

I have done many things that I am not proud of.

I have done few things that I am.

If I believe in something, someone, it is one of the few things that I am proud of. If I fully believe in something it is worth more to me then my life.

I dont have many moments like that, that I am proud of.

Some things that Im not proud of….

* I chromed. I really dont like that I did that. What I dont like more is that fact that I liked it. It was a really bad time in my life. Everything was just going down hill. I was stoned all the time and when I didnt have any weed I was drunk from when I woke up to when I went to sleep. I went to school drunk more then once. I stayed up all night drinking and played footy the next day. I played one game on half an hours sleep, still drunk and hung over. I puked at every break and passed out when I finished.

* I cheated. I wish that I didnt. But I have cheated on every girlfriend that I have had except the onces that I truely loved. My second girlfriend I broke up with for my thrid and cheated on with my first. I was talking to her weeks before I broke up with my second. My third grilfriend, I cheated on with my fourth. My fourth I cheated on wiith some chick that I knew. My first and fifth I loved.

* I lied. I lied to so many people over the years. I have lied to friends, family, girlfriend….  I have told girlfriendsthings that werent true so they would love me. I have told friends things that were true so they would respect me. I have told family things that werent true so they would leave me alone.

* I manipulated. I have manipulated many people to get what I have wanted. Used my life as a bargining tool. Twisted people against each other to get my own way. Twisted family to get money.

* I stole. I have stolen so much. People, possestions, words, truths. Ive broken into a house to steal for my habbits. I hve broken into schools to steal for personal gain. I have broken into buisseness to steal  for personall gain and to feed my habbits. I have stolen for friends and family. I have stolen out of love and out of hate.

But dispite all these things there are some things in my life that I have done that I have been proud of. There arent many. But the few things that i have done that i actually am proud of do exisit.

* I believed. I have believen people when I shouldnt have. Given then the benifit of the doubt, the chance to make up for what they had done before I cut them away. I shoudnt have done it sometimes. But I did any way just because i wanted to believe.

* I loved. I have loved. I belive it to be true. I have told people that I didnt love that I did. And people that I did that I didnt. But there were times that I got it right. I loved my first girlfriend. I truly did. I would have given my life for her. Dispite everything that she did to me (and true be told I did to her) she was and still is perfect in my eyes. She never changed. She was always the girl that I loved that first night under the stars. And she was that girl that I still loved walking out my door. My fifth girlfriend i loved as well. I felt something all those years ago. And I left it again that night under the stars. And I still loved her as se told me to walk out the door.

* I cared. I have cared about a few things in my life that were pure. I have cared when it counted. I have cared when it was needed. Not always but a few times I have gotten it right.

As you can see there is more good then bad. And I can accept that.

But before you judge me.

Look at your own list.

See anything the same?

Well mine does… But you dont care…

Went out drinking on friday. Since I had lost my wallet I couldnt get my tattoo with out my ID so I decided to use my money that I had saved to get drunk. SO I went to the Black Swan early in the night before the bouncers start working.

Sat down outside and started drinking. Had a few drinks then a guy at the table next to mine ordered one to many drinks so I got it. Moved to their table and talked with them. Moved inside and scored a few free drinks and talked shit.

Was quiet amusing.

Some girls came over and wanted to have our seats, So they sat with us.

Got more drunk and headed to a few different bars. Only got asked for ID at one place.

Rod the bull at the Red Mozy. Brused my legs on the fucking thing.

Got really drunk and went home with the girl. Man I hate waking up next to a fat chick…. All well. Still got a root.

Been looking for weed lately. Havent had much luck. Given my number to a few random people who said they might be able to help me. But I havent had any luck.

I think that I am not meant to see 28 Days…. They were paying at The Pub on friday. I went early, again be fore the bouncers got on and paid my cover fee. But I didt even end up going back to see them. I was there for about 5 minutes….

I was going to see them play a long time back, but I decided to stay home with my girlfriend. I didnt want to go out and have fun and her have to miss it….

Then last night my cuz rang me around half past one at night. Told me she was in town so I went out and met her at  Uni. Had a few drinks but really didnt do much. I used my stamp from The Pub on friday night to fake my way into Uni on saturday night then got a new stamp when I got in.

Then I used the fake that I know the bouncer at Level 2. Wasnt really worth it…..

I have a lot of stuff going on in my head at them moment. I wish some stuff that has been happening lately didnt happen….