The Life Of A Punk/Stoner/Goth/Loner

I’m in trouble. Buy you dont care…..

Ever loved someone? Ever wanted to stop? Ever tried? Its hard.

Love.

Such a strong word to me. I hate how people these days throw it around. I am sick of hearing about people who have been together for a week and say they love each other. Write “I love whoever” everwhere the day they get together.

To me love is real. You know when it happens. It hits you in the face like a sledgehammer.

My girlfriend said she loeved me after we had been together for 4 days. We had seen each other once and talked on the phone a fair bit. Its not like that….

You know when hey say something to you. Donesnt even have to be important. Could just be what they did that day, Something that happened to them, anything. And you smile. And you feel something

You cant explain it. No one can. And no one will ever be able to. Its just there.

I have that. But not with her.

I met someone a long time ago. Talked to them over the internet for a long time. Rang them a fair bit. Messaged tem all day, just talking shit. Then it hit me. I loved them. And the great thing is, they love me.

But fate and family stand in the way.

You know on the movies where the princess falls for the slave or the grimmy guy off the streets? Thats us. And her family doesnt like it. They dont like me.

That plus I dont have a car, but Im working on it.

What should I do? I have one, but love another?

I hate break ups….

If anyone does actually read this. Say something. But you wont.

You dont care……

Someone died yesterday. But you dont care…..

Ever seen the stuff on TV and thought nope, never going to happen to anyone I know?

Well it does

Almost 2 years ago someone in my year didnt turn up for school a few days in a row. Then one day the teachers pull us aside and say “He’s got leukaemia, but dont worry its the most treatable kind”

Flash forward to a couple of weeks ago. “He’s coming home. There finished with the treatment. The fight is over. 2 months”

Even then it doesnt sink in. Even then you dont believe he’s not going to be here anymore. Its just doesnt happen. Then you go to his “Going away party”. You see him up the front, thanking the hundreds of people who came, from his wheelchair, speaking throught a broken and shutting down body. You see the tears run down his pail face, you hear the hurt, pain, the fear in his voice, but also the acceptance.

It just shouldnt happen to someone who is 17

Then your talking to someone and they say he’s gone. Even then its not all there yet. It never will be……

Dont think it wont happen to you, it will

 *****RIP***** Mark Jolly 17/9/06 Always there, never gone, the fight is over, but the memorys still remain. Ill miss you man.

Now I’m not the kind of person that will write something on these things everyday. I will write when I want and thats it. So if there is anyone that reads this just wait.

I cant write anything now. Everything just seems so petty compaired to whats really happeneing. I hope all of you die a little bit inside for Mark. You should. You should feel the pain for someone so young who fought so hard, in a battle that would never make the news. You should hurt. Something like this shouldnt go on unnoticed.

Fuck you all. Feel the pain.

Its nearly the end of the final year of school. But you dont care…..

Why is it that teachers can be friends with some of the class yet want to rule over others?

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to pull the trigger? Its easy to throw a punch or swing a blade, but a gun has something else… a certainty to it that nothing else has…

Steve Irwin died today. Thank god. He pissed me off so much. Its people like him that make the world think that all Australians are outback hicks. The countless times that Americans have asked me “Do you have power?” Phones… roads…. Do you really think that we are that bad?

Why is it that black is considered “Gothic”? What makes black such a evil colour? Sorry, shade…………

Well I guess more about me wouldnt hurt.

I study physics, maths, english, IP&M (a computer class) and Studio Art. I use to do Chemistry but I dropped it. I dont enjoy any of my classes, I chose most of them for a challenge.

Officially I am smart. Wouldnt say a genius, but above average. But I dont use it for school. Its not that kind of inteligents. As you can see my my lack of spelling. its more like i can just think about stuff and pick it up fast.

But thats all gone now. Now I am reduced to a slack jaw moron. Staring off into space, missing words, not listening, tuning out. Drugs are baaad.

“I dont like the drugs, but the drugs like me.” - Marilyn Manson

I am obsessed with something. I dont want to be. I just want to forget it. But I guess my brain doesnt want me to let it go. … i might tell you another day, but not on the second date.

Why do girlfriends want to ring you 5 times a day? Talk about their friends? Tell me things that I really dont care? I know that sounds harsh, but I mean it in a different way. I dont mind talking to them, being with them. But I need my space.

And I dont really care that you ex bestfreinds, who you dont talk to any more because her sister went out you other friends ex boyfriend… or what ever it is at the time. Its not important, deal with it.

I should have a ending note.

Dont smoke. You will really regret it. Im 17 and already do but cant stop.

Just dont.

My name is Owen. But you dont care…..

Ever seen that “weird” kid in class? The one that you avoid? Dislike? Are creeped out by? Well thats me…

My favorite colour is black. But black isnt a colour is it? Its a shade… Does that mean I like the shadows? It makes sence. I like the dark…..

Red is second. But only dark…. Theres that word again..

My music is my life. I live for it. I have it around me nearly all the time. It calms me, stirs me, angers me, makes me weep.

I love my guitar.

I dont think that I am great with relationships. I self destruct them.. I cant handle having someone depend on me. Its like… pressure. By my self, it is only me. I screw up, I lose. I dont, I win. But I dont like to hurt others….

Why do people associate different sensations with different feelings. Pain makes me feel alive. You are the most alive right before you are dead…. I use to cut my self. But I made a promise to someone that I use to know, that I wouldnt. Sometimes its a struggle, but I havent for a long time…. Sometimes I burn my self instead….

Why is it that I like pain yet others dont? Why is it different for me?

I am surrounded by…. words. I write stuff everywhere. They dont mean anything to any one else. They are just a jumble of words… phrases… incomplete sentences. But they all have meanings to me. If I have a pen I will just write the words that are important to me, discribe me, are me, at the time. Its just… me…

I have family. But they are distant. I keep them that way. I dont want to hurt people, so I push them away. But they hold on. Even though THEY have given up, they still hold on…. Trapping me.

I love punk music… metal… death…. Death facinates me….. What happens after you die? Is there something? Or is it just death…

I dont like religion. Too many people die. Why do people fight over it? If you step back, all religions have the same key elements. Cant people just accept that there will be people out there who think differently? Or wont we stop untll everyone thinks the same, or are dead, which ever is closer.

Have you ever sat by your self? Not just for a minute, or two. But hours, days….. I do. I like my own company. I never talk back, never interupt, never argue…. mostly….

That sounds crazy… But its true.. Have you ever wanted to do something even thought you knew it was bad for you? I live that everyday….

I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. There are some things in my memory that I just dont want, but they just keep coming back….. Over and over and over and over………

I should stop talking but I cant…….

Are you even listening?