The Life Of A Punk/Stoner/Goth/Loner

I just figured out that some people do read this… But you dont care…

Because if you did the people who did visit here would leave a comment. Im deathly serious, anyone who reads this, leave a comment. I dont care if its only a word, I just want to know that you are there.

Anyway, my house mate has a cat. Its retty cool, because I sleep with my window open so it visits me though out the day. Just randomly it will jump in, and sit on my bed. It keeps me company.

I’ve been playing a lot of guitar recently. Just stuffing around on it, trying to get better.

I think I’m sick. And not in the way that I’m always sick, as in I feel cold all the time, and I shake.

Fuck you guys, if you dont comment I will trace my connection to this site and find out who you are. Its really not that hard. All i have to do is embed a monitor to this page that tells me what IP’s connect to this site, then back track from there. Pays to pay attention in IT class, huh?

Twently bucks says its my sister, being paranoin and monitoring me….

Got my Kurt flag the other day. Brought it off the net. Its a big black and white picture of him, looks really cool. Got it stuck up over my bed.

Kurdt Kobain rocks…. (and yes I know thats not how you spell it, but thats how he spelt it..). He was such a legend. And not in the “He was the voice of a generation”. Thats bullshit. He didnt want fame. He just wanted to tell people how he felt.

I feel guilty, I read the Kurt Cobain Journals. I wanted to know more about him. Not the legend, but the man. But I feel guilty because I bet that he didnt want his writing to be hocked off at the corner shop. There are some deep things in there, which I’m sure he would have wanted to have at least a say in wheather some of those things went into a book.

After reading it thought I felt closer. He wrote some many things that I have writen. Almost word for word. He wrote about things that I have done. I think that I am a very similar person to him.

He is my idol..

“Just because your paranoid, doesnt mean they’re not after you” - Kurt Cobain

I feel like I’m suffocating. But you dont care…..

Do you ever feel like your in a room with and the doors and windows are shut? No air can get in, and your slowly dying with no way out.

Figuratively of course…

All my doors and windows are shut.

Do you ever look at everything in your world and wonder howyou could use it to kill your self? How you could fray a TV power cord? Break apart a razor blade? Use an amp lead to strangle your self?

I do.

I dont know why I feel like this sometimes. Other times I do. BUt it has always been there. I just feel as tho I’m just not mean to be here.

Other times I just feel simply like I can go on. It hard to explain. Its like I look as life and think its just too long. I can hardly get from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. How am I meant to keep this up until the end of my life?

I did a life expectancy test and it said 54. That means I have 36 years left. Im already sick of it now.

Im am just so tired, bored and sick of life. Living is a strain on me. I just dont want to keep it up. Im thinking of bying a bottle of Vodka and just downing the lot and walking out of the house. A lot of bad things can happen when your wasted……

The only real thing that stops me is that I dont know whats next. I really like to know…. everything. And I dont know whats after thins life. What if you just stay with your body? What if you still have to stay here, and still ut u with everything that you have to now, but you just dont have ANY imput into what happens? But on the other hand, it could just be nothing. Like as soon as you die, the lights just go out and thats it.

I would like that…..

I think I have a brain tumor. But you dont care….

I can remember when, but a long time ago i started getting dizzy for no reason. Nothing major, just every now and again I would lose my balance.

Fast forward.

Now it happens a lot, and a lot worse. Instead of just getting dizzy, now everything goes black and I can see bright lights (like when you close your eyes and press on them a little), my head feels like its going to explode and I completely lose my sense of balance. When these things come if I dont have something to lean against I dont even know Im falling until I hit the floor.

I cant see my self falling and I dont have any balance to say that I am falling.

It started off pretty tame and has now gotten to a pretty major point. But I AM NOT getting it looked at. If its something major then I’ll probably die quiet when it pops ot whatever, or other wise I would have to get surgury or something and I dont want that

But you dont care….

SUCKS!!! But you dont care…

I hate not being able to sleep. But at least its not as bad as it use to be. When it got down to 5 hours a weeks that was murder….

Did you know you can get the effects of drugs with out them? Its nt that hard, there are so many semi-natural ways…

What to be so spaced out that you dont know whats going on? Seeing things that aren’t there? Hearing things? Its actually really easy. Dont sleep for about 3 or 4 straight days WITHOUT the help of anything, then when you are really about to fall asleep, down a bottle of Coke (big oe) and have a smoke.

Bang

Gone

You will space out so bad. Your brain fries from the quiet switch or something. But its works…

What to feel like your inbetween two different world? Not be able to feel your body properly and float around? Feel like your not quiet there? Everything that is happening arounddoesnt really get int your brain, you se and hear it, but it just doesnt stay there? Thats pretty easy too. Have someone wrap a silk scarf around your neck and pull it tight. REALLY tight. Your nose should feel strange, like its going to bleed, but not quiet that feeling. All the blood gets trapped in your head and you cant breath. After a little while you just start to drift off. Everything around you just doesnt feel real….

Its really quiet a trip.

Man I’m tired. Brought some new CD’s today. Mostly Nirvana, but a few others. Him, Greenday, Wednesday 13….

Propperly moved into my new place the other day. Started putting up my posters and flags and etc. Got my guitar, bed, xbox, cd player, computer and did I meantion my guitar? Its feels kind of strange to be in your first place.

Not like your staying at someones place, not living with a girlfriends place. But YOUR place. Its YOURS. Its feels really good. Until you go out to buy food and you dont have enough money. And then your work stops calling you, so you dont know if your even still employed by them any more, and you have no idea how your going to pay the rent…..

All well. Ive slept on the streets before. Wouldnt be anything new. Atleast the weather isnt that bad. But thats another story

Well back in 2005-I dont like you.

I’ve moved, got a girlfriend, got a job and lost a girlfriend. But you dont care…….

I have moved from that shit hole that I once called home. Not to far only to bendigo. My house sucks, my flatmates a nerd. But I like it. Close to work etc etc.

Oh I forgot to mention I got work at a cafe. Runs on weekends at night to feed the…. lets say “less inhibited people”. Because no one would pay the prices for the shit food unless they were smashed. The food sucks, the music is worse. But it entertains me

I met a great girl. One who I already knew. Had a great time. Told her I loved her and meant it. But she didnt love me. I was a passing stage and was dropped because she got bored.

BUT as some one, who I’m sure is famous for some crap reason other then the saying, once said “When life clsoes a door it opens a window” And it seems strangle true…

There once was this girl. My first girl. The one who I completely and endlessly gave my heart. And I really meant it. It may have looked like a stupid teenage crush. The kind of thing that lasts a week or some. But I believe that it truly was something else. But there where way to many problems.  Onces that I’m not going to go into, other then the main one of that we were to young for what we were living. We didn’t have the experience for what we had so we destroyed it. And that destroyed me. It killed me inside for a long time

I closed my self off emotionally and physically from the world from a long time. I just didn’t trust anyone any more. I hated her for what she did to me. And I would hate her to the end of my days.

Or so I would say…..

But deep inside me I knew that I loved her. And always would. I would try to convice myself as much as everyone around me that  I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. That I wished that she would disapear from the face of the earth for ever in a painfull and fiery way. And I made sure she knew that

But I knew it wasnt true.

I have grown weary of carrying around this burden of hate and lies. This huge weight that I carried around. I knew that it wasn’t hate that I felt for her. I knew by the way that my ears would prick up when ever I heard her name said in casual conversation. I knew by the way that it hurt when I lost the only picture that i had of her that I kept hidden. I knew by the way that I kept a few of the notes that she had writen to me, that I didn’t hate her.

She was the first girl I loved, and the second had just left me, when out of the blue she messaged me. Something random about someone we both knew. I decided that it was a sign that now was the time to drop this wall of hate.

So I messaged back.

Within a hour we had already told each other that we still think of each other, talking about personal (and potentially harmful should either decide to use it against the other) things from the past and pressents and arranging to meet someday soon.

Considering that for the past 2 years we had been locked in a battle, I believe that this shows something.

I’m not sure what.

I’m not why.

And I’m not sure where it will lead.

But thats my open window.