The Life Of A Punk/Stoner/Goth/Loner

I lost my wallet… But you dont care….

I dont really care that I lost my wallet. ITs not like I had money in it. I wouldnt really care that much if it did have money in it.

Its the shit that comes with losing your wallet that pisses me off. Like now i have to get a new back card, new ID, a new medi care card. All that shit. And its just so much hassel.

And then there is the stuff that I cant just replace. The stuff with stories. The stuff from my travels. A card that I got from schoolies week, a card that Ive had since my first wallet, a picture from a porn mag of a tranny that looks just like someone I know. Little things. They wont change my life, but they still matter.

 It was a new wallet to. Only just got it. Cost me fifty bucks and I narely had it 3 weeks. It still didnt fold properly. Im so pissed about that…

I hate when you loses things like that. Like you will have forgoten about it in a few weeks and it wont matter any more, but those things even if you dont remember them still matter. Like I wont be able to, when, and if, Im old, look back and say I got this card when I was 13 and it has been with me ever since. Or show someone the badly translated card advertising something that I got from schoolies….

Losing stuff sucks…

I tried to extore a girl today. Just some girl that I use to know. I met her for the first time when I was about 14 or 15. It was strange. When I met her the second time, was when she came to my old town. And everyone else just thought she was an easy lay, a slut per say. But I actually liked her for her, and looked out for her. I considered her a friend. But recently I have been cutting ties for soem reason. Dont know why. But I just dont need these people.

She was fairly cool, litle dumb but a lot of people are. Anyway I was pretty ok with her, until I slept with her.

She was actually pretty bad dispite the rep she had gotten.

I actually stopped half way and sent her home. Which i find pretty funny.

Anyway she messaged me today and asked if her new boyfriend asked, if I oculd say we never hooked up. Now I dont like that for two reasons. One  her new boyfriend is a dick and was the ring leader of the people who where calling her a slut, and two, why should she lie about it. Just because her boyfriend is a dick and doesnt like me (which is no surprise. He a moron, and thinks that he can “be my friend” when he want something)

Soi I said suer I wont tell him…. for 150 bucks. Almost got it to. But then I went on my normal power trip crossed with trying to lay down some intelagence and get her to tell him her self. I mean the guy is going to find out some day anyway (thanks to me now telling everyone that I still now from my old town that I fucked her) and it would have been better for him to find out from her…

Alwell

Anyway i got told to meantion someone in here some I guess now is the best time as any to do it….

One day a long time ago I was visiting my best friend in Geelong. We were just skateing around checking the sites, and causing trouble. All fun. Anyways we stopped t Maccas, where I made the first of my now standard “Maccas Crap Sculptures”. Basiclly I use all the wrappers and empty cups to make a fragile, balancing act.

Anyway over at this other table were a group of girls. They were stuffing around with a camera taking photos, one of which i semi posed for. We left and they left just after us we be decided to follow them… We skated slow and made sure they were following us. They stopped at the music store so we went in and ended up chatting to them Got names and number off them and stayed in contact with a few of them for a while.

Now one of them calls me randomly ever now and again, which I like. She knows who she is. Se is pretty cool very random and kinda childish, which I like. Its funny some of the stuff she comes out with. She is kinda weird, like me which is rather cool.

She makes me laugh.

We talk a fair bit now, and I like that. I know she loves me but she wont admit it, at least when shes sober. Wouldnt mind to catch up with her again.

I get paid today which is good. And my partner in crime might be visting me as well. Which means we will talk shit, get drunk and have fun. I love gettin drunk with her, its always fun.

She might even be scoring for me, which rocks. The night might be better then i had originally thought. It should be good because I havent gone out for a while….

Love songs suck and fairy tales aren’t true…

Getting my tattoo soon…. But you dont care….

But its kinda cool. Im getting it done on Friday the 13th, which I think is pretty cool.

If you have ever seen Alice In Wonderland you’ll know what Im talking about. Its the Cheshire Cat. With one of his lines writen around it. “You May Have Noticed That Im Not All There Myself”

Its just my way of saying that Im a little crasy in my own way.

I just figured out that some people do read this… But you dont care…

Because if you did the people who did visit here would leave a comment. Im deathly serious, anyone who reads this, leave a comment. I dont care if its only a word, I just want to know that you are there.

Anyway, my house mate has a cat. Its retty cool, because I sleep with my window open so it visits me though out the day. Just randomly it will jump in, and sit on my bed. It keeps me company.

I’ve been playing a lot of guitar recently. Just stuffing around on it, trying to get better.

I think I’m sick. And not in the way that I’m always sick, as in I feel cold all the time, and I shake.

Fuck you guys, if you dont comment I will trace my connection to this site and find out who you are. Its really not that hard. All i have to do is embed a monitor to this page that tells me what IP’s connect to this site, then back track from there. Pays to pay attention in IT class, huh?

Twently bucks says its my sister, being paranoin and monitoring me….

Got my Kurt flag the other day. Brought it off the net. Its a big black and white picture of him, looks really cool. Got it stuck up over my bed.

Kurdt Kobain rocks…. (and yes I know thats not how you spell it, but thats how he spelt it..). He was such a legend. And not in the “He was the voice of a generation”. Thats bullshit. He didnt want fame. He just wanted to tell people how he felt.

I feel guilty, I read the Kurt Cobain Journals. I wanted to know more about him. Not the legend, but the man. But I feel guilty because I bet that he didnt want his writing to be hocked off at the corner shop. There are some deep things in there, which I’m sure he would have wanted to have at least a say in wheather some of those things went into a book.

After reading it thought I felt closer. He wrote some many things that I have writen. Almost word for word. He wrote about things that I have done. I think that I am a very similar person to him.

He is my idol..

“Just because your paranoid, doesnt mean they’re not after you” - Kurt Cobain

I feel like I’m suffocating. But you dont care…..

Do you ever feel like your in a room with and the doors and windows are shut? No air can get in, and your slowly dying with no way out.

Figuratively of course…

All my doors and windows are shut.

Do you ever look at everything in your world and wonder howyou could use it to kill your self? How you could fray a TV power cord? Break apart a razor blade? Use an amp lead to strangle your self?

I do.

I dont know why I feel like this sometimes. Other times I do. BUt it has always been there. I just feel as tho I’m just not mean to be here.

Other times I just feel simply like I can go on. It hard to explain. Its like I look as life and think its just too long. I can hardly get from day to day, sometimes hour to hour. How am I meant to keep this up until the end of my life?

I did a life expectancy test and it said 54. That means I have 36 years left. Im already sick of it now.

Im am just so tired, bored and sick of life. Living is a strain on me. I just dont want to keep it up. Im thinking of bying a bottle of Vodka and just downing the lot and walking out of the house. A lot of bad things can happen when your wasted……

The only real thing that stops me is that I dont know whats next. I really like to know…. everything. And I dont know whats after thins life. What if you just stay with your body? What if you still have to stay here, and still ut u with everything that you have to now, but you just dont have ANY imput into what happens? But on the other hand, it could just be nothing. Like as soon as you die, the lights just go out and thats it.

I would like that…..

I think I have a brain tumor. But you dont care….

I can remember when, but a long time ago i started getting dizzy for no reason. Nothing major, just every now and again I would lose my balance.

Fast forward.

Now it happens a lot, and a lot worse. Instead of just getting dizzy, now everything goes black and I can see bright lights (like when you close your eyes and press on them a little), my head feels like its going to explode and I completely lose my sense of balance. When these things come if I dont have something to lean against I dont even know Im falling until I hit the floor.

I cant see my self falling and I dont have any balance to say that I am falling.

It started off pretty tame and has now gotten to a pretty major point. But I AM NOT getting it looked at. If its something major then I’ll probably die quiet when it pops ot whatever, or other wise I would have to get surgury or something and I dont want that

But you dont care….

SUCKS!!! But you dont care…

I hate not being able to sleep. But at least its not as bad as it use to be. When it got down to 5 hours a weeks that was murder….

Did you know you can get the effects of drugs with out them? Its nt that hard, there are so many semi-natural ways…

What to be so spaced out that you dont know whats going on? Seeing things that aren’t there? Hearing things? Its actually really easy. Dont sleep for about 3 or 4 straight days WITHOUT the help of anything, then when you are really about to fall asleep, down a bottle of Coke (big oe) and have a smoke.

Bang

Gone

You will space out so bad. Your brain fries from the quiet switch or something. But its works…

What to feel like your inbetween two different world? Not be able to feel your body properly and float around? Feel like your not quiet there? Everything that is happening arounddoesnt really get int your brain, you se and hear it, but it just doesnt stay there? Thats pretty easy too. Have someone wrap a silk scarf around your neck and pull it tight. REALLY tight. Your nose should feel strange, like its going to bleed, but not quiet that feeling. All the blood gets trapped in your head and you cant breath. After a little while you just start to drift off. Everything around you just doesnt feel real….

Its really quiet a trip.

Man I’m tired. Brought some new CD’s today. Mostly Nirvana, but a few others. Him, Greenday, Wednesday 13….

Propperly moved into my new place the other day. Started putting up my posters and flags and etc. Got my guitar, bed, xbox, cd player, computer and did I meantion my guitar? Its feels kind of strange to be in your first place.

Not like your staying at someones place, not living with a girlfriends place. But YOUR place. Its YOURS. Its feels really good. Until you go out to buy food and you dont have enough money. And then your work stops calling you, so you dont know if your even still employed by them any more, and you have no idea how your going to pay the rent…..

All well. Ive slept on the streets before. Wouldnt be anything new. Atleast the weather isnt that bad. But thats another story

Well back in 2005-I dont like you.

I’ve moved, got a girlfriend, got a job and lost a girlfriend. But you dont care…….

I have moved from that shit hole that I once called home. Not to far only to bendigo. My house sucks, my flatmates a nerd. But I like it. Close to work etc etc.

Oh I forgot to mention I got work at a cafe. Runs on weekends at night to feed the…. lets say “less inhibited people”. Because no one would pay the prices for the shit food unless they were smashed. The food sucks, the music is worse. But it entertains me

I met a great girl. One who I already knew. Had a great time. Told her I loved her and meant it. But she didnt love me. I was a passing stage and was dropped because she got bored.

BUT as some one, who I’m sure is famous for some crap reason other then the saying, once said “When life clsoes a door it opens a window” And it seems strangle true…

There once was this girl. My first girl. The one who I completely and endlessly gave my heart. And I really meant it. It may have looked like a stupid teenage crush. The kind of thing that lasts a week or some. But I believe that it truly was something else. But there where way to many problems.  Onces that I’m not going to go into, other then the main one of that we were to young for what we were living. We didn’t have the experience for what we had so we destroyed it. And that destroyed me. It killed me inside for a long time

I closed my self off emotionally and physically from the world from a long time. I just didn’t trust anyone any more. I hated her for what she did to me. And I would hate her to the end of my days.

Or so I would say…..

But deep inside me I knew that I loved her. And always would. I would try to convice myself as much as everyone around me that  I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. That I wished that she would disapear from the face of the earth for ever in a painfull and fiery way. And I made sure she knew that

But I knew it wasnt true.

I have grown weary of carrying around this burden of hate and lies. This huge weight that I carried around. I knew that it wasn’t hate that I felt for her. I knew by the way that my ears would prick up when ever I heard her name said in casual conversation. I knew by the way that it hurt when I lost the only picture that i had of her that I kept hidden. I knew by the way that I kept a few of the notes that she had writen to me, that I didn’t hate her.

She was the first girl I loved, and the second had just left me, when out of the blue she messaged me. Something random about someone we both knew. I decided that it was a sign that now was the time to drop this wall of hate.

So I messaged back.

Within a hour we had already told each other that we still think of each other, talking about personal (and potentially harmful should either decide to use it against the other) things from the past and pressents and arranging to meet someday soon.

Considering that for the past 2 years we had been locked in a battle, I believe that this shows something.

I’m not sure what.

I’m not why.

And I’m not sure where it will lead.

But thats my open window. 

I’ve met someone. But you dont care…

New years was great. And I didnt even get wasted…..

I went over with my best friend. Alice… wat a rockstar…

When we got to swanny Me and Alice went to the bottle shop and got my slab and some drinks for her. We went to my uncles place so we could leave our stuff there until we needed it. Hung out there for a while, talked crap and had a few drinks…

Met up with my ex girlfriend. She still liked me and I knew it. Brought her along as a back up root….

When it started to get dark me, Alice, Kylea (ex) and my little cuz went to the bottle shop. Brought some crap for my cuz and headed to the park where the shit was happening.

Saw IT when I got there. Tried to be social… Even gave it a smoke….. slag… Pissed off from Alice because she was going to be hanging with it for a while. Had a few more drinks…

Found ourselves a place on the grass near the band talked crap and listened to the music….

Got up for a piss on on the way a girl caught my attention. Went for the second look and it was Shantael. A girl that I picked up a long time ago. Had a party at my place and hooked up with her….

Also she use to live in my town when I was younger and I had a crush on her when we were like 7…..

After the inital hugs and hellos, she said she was going back to her friends place to get some stuff then coming back so I said I would go. Asked Alice n Kylea to look after the esky…

Went with her and her friends to there place. Ended up picking up by the time we got there. I wanted to from the moment I saw her.. There was just something in the air…

Came back to the party and lost her friends. Laid out on the grass and talked and listened to music. Went up and danced in the pit. Freaked a lot of people out with out dry humping dancing so much so that no one was even standing near us..

Made out majorly at the countdown…. felt right….

Went to find a quiet place and saw my sister on the way. Talked with her. Then continued on out was. Found a dark area away from the party. Talked, made out, had sex against a mesh fence. Gave head and when I was going down on her some guys busted us.

Went back to her place (going so long the party was over by the time we finished) and talked until morning. Walked home in the pouring rain. Slept out side my uncles place in the rain in a air chain..

Talked with her on the phone for a while then went to her town to see her. Slept at her place and stayed up nearly the whole night talking … felt so right…

Had the maddest sex. Came home the next day, and went back again. Stayed at her place again. Went to the grain bunkers with her and one of her mates. Had so much fun… Had sex while her friends back was turned. Fingered her till she came while she was talking to her friend without her noticing..

On the way back she stopped me on the train tracks and said those words i had been longing to say.. “I love you”….

I hate saying it early. So much I break up with people over it. But this felt so right….

So good…

So real…

So I said it to.

After a while we figured out both of us like pain.. Had sex while bitting and scratching the shit out of each other…

Came and stayed at her place again a week later. Brought razor. Had sex and cut each other, drank out blood, smeared it over out skin, licked it off each other. And it felt so right

So good….

So real….

I really think I have found the right one… i just feel so… good around her..

differnt story, Kylea got pissed off that I had sex with some one else. Didnt seem to grasp the fact that we where broken up..

Found out that she read my diary.

That has deep stuff in it. More so then this page.

So I cut all connections from her…

Ever been in love?

Real love?

True love?

I have… twice.

Once right

Once wrong

This is the right one.

Well I feel good today…. But you dont care…

I love new years. Its the one day a year I feel good. I dont evenknow why. Maybe its because its a chance to change for the next year. But I never do.

My internets been down for the last few days and the dickheads at the provider didnt even know what was wrong. I had to fix it my self. Dumb fucks.

Got myself a new lip ring. Quite like the the was it looks.

Been writing some new songs. I would post them here. But its not like any one reads this anyway. So I guess it would be a waste of time.

Wish I could get a counter so I could at least see how many people dont care.

Looking for a job. Or at least pretending to so the authoritys dont cut my payments.

Drove for the first time in ages the last few days. I never get to drive. Fucking family. Dad only just got his license back for drink driving (.149) Mum never had a car and Dads partner wouldnt let me near her car. Even tho she drove mine around for fucking forever. Till it died. Only drove it once or twice myself. But I cant even fuckin look at hers. Not like its that good anyway…

New years should be good. Chance for me to wip myself out again. I love doing that. Just drinkin and drug my self so far gone I dont remember and cant think….

Watched the new TCSM the other day (texas chainsaw). I like the old one a lot better. Did it stoned off my head and tripped out major watching it. Always fun….

Have you ever chromed before? I did. A long time ago now. During my biggest fall.

Its such a trip.

As much as I hate to admit I actually liked it. It gives you this weird feeling in your chest. Like its to tight, but only for a second. Then you get this feeling of calm. Get a colour display and cant think at all.

I remember at one stage I help my phone to my ear and someone was there.. And i had been talking to them. But I didnt remember at all. Its like someone else did it. And another time I looked at my hand and I was typing a message on my phone. I didnt even know I was doing it. Even when I watched myself do it, I still didnt know what the message was goin to say or even who it was to. Again like someone else was controling me…..

Drugs are bad, mmmk.

Nearly Christmas… You care… But I dont care….

Fuck I hate Christmas. Its just another Hallmark holiday designed by “Big Company” to sell cheap thoughtless cards, over priced, under made toys, and to jack up prices so people how bealy afford stuff before, have no chance now.

It just makes people with out anything feel worce off then they normally do…. But what ever….

But it does give me the oppertunity to partake in passtime of mine… Tellin little children that santa isnt real…. Always fun..

Got drunk last nite and passed out infront of the TV. Woke up after a few hours sleep to some shit xmas special midday movie.

Brought myself a new stomp box for my guitar. Really loving it.

Cut myself again… Havent done that for a long time.. Dont even really know why… I thinkstuff just builds up over a long time and every now and again I have to do it as a release…

I would get called crasy if people knew, but i dont know why.. Its not like i’m trying to kill my self. All I’m doing it making a scratch in my arm. Shit I get worse wounds after a nite drinking.

Some new prick in town stared calling me Goth as an insault… I find it a compliment. I know I’m not a Goth, but they are some of the best people around…

Dave gave me a great xmas pressent the other day. A bootleg vinyl of “The Movie” which is the sound track to “Pink Floyds The Wall” (different to the album, because they re-recorded the songs for the movie) and a record player that hooks into my computer…

Merry motherfuckin christmas arse holes…..